Wednesday, July 9, 2014

when does misery trump happiness?

i'm sitting here, waving my white flag, asking myself the above question, "when does misery trump happiness"?

i am miserable. plain and simple. i'm not happy. i'm tired and down right exhausted all the time. i lack little motivation and that makes me downright frustrated. i'm restricted to the foods i can eat, which are incredibly limited and i feel like i can't have any fun. no hard ciders at the turn when i play golf. no random trips for lunch on the lake. my workouts are suffering because i can't properly fuel. it's hard to plan social activities with friends or family, because quite frankly, they all involve food and i'm a total buzz kill in that department right now. 

overall, i don't think the quality of my life has improved. i think it has declined since i started this immuno calm/LEAP diet. not to mention the major set back i felt i had last night when i ate a variation of a food that was supposed to be "safe" and it caused the worst GI distress i've had in a long time.

and i'm ready to be done. but at the same time, i'm completely conflicted. part of me feels that if i stop, it means i'm a quitter. i don't want to be a quitter. that's not who i am or who i want to be. part of me feels like i have something to prove to myself by completing this entire diet. i have to prove that i can be disciplined enough to finish. and then there's a small part of me that wonders if things really will improve if i just give this diet enough time. 

which part wins out? is the only reason i'm not stopping because of my stubbornness? is it worth putting up with this diet for who knows how long just to see if things improve? meanwhile, being miserable and unhappy and not enjoying the short sweet summer time? i already know this diet isn't sustainable for the long term. there's no way i could do this forever. so why keep putting myself through misery?

at this point, i don't know which is more important; happiness at the chance that yes, i will feel icky once in awhile by expanding the scope of foods i eat and not having a 100% accurate log of what i react to and what i don't? or, weeks of misery (on a diet of food that is so sad and bland that it makes me not want to eat) at the chance that maybe things will get better but will have to live on a limited food lifestyle for the rest of forever?

i know this is a little dramatic, but i'm tossing and turning in my brain over here and not sure what to do. anyone have thoughts out there? what would you do?

7 comments:

  1. Sorry you are feeling bad. Have you tried essential oils?

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    1. I haven't tried essential Oils. I've been trying to avoid anything that hasn't been on the "approved" list, which basically limits me to about 20 or so things. I'm not sure if essential oils would be "safe" or not on this diet?

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  2. A HUGE part of being healthy is being happy. If you aren't happy, than what you are doing isn't healthy for you. You aren't a quitter if you stop earlier than originally planned if the original plan is horrific. It doesn't seem like you'll ever enjoy the foods that are in your little box right now, so maybe it's time to step outside it again for the sake of happiness, sanity, and overall health!

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    1. Thank you, Nicole. Sometimes, it's very easy to forget that mental health is part of overall health. It is very frustrating to feel "controlled" by the little box of food I was able to eat. If anything, I should look at this as a learning experience, versus a "you must do this" experience.

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  3. I'm with Nicole - healthy and happy go together in many ways. You aren't a quitter. I hope you feel better about it/make a decision that feels good for you soon, I hate to hear you are miserable. :(

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    1. Thanks, Paulette. I have been thinking a lot about how I would be if I kept this up during bird camp, too! Stressing about how I would get food and if I could eat anything - it's exhausting! Everyone's perspectives have been really helpful, and I've talked it through with my family a bunch. I just need to come to a decision I will be at peace with, and will feel good about!

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  4. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well right now :( I don't think it makes you a quitter if you decide to try something else - it just means you are exploring all of your options. There's nothing wrong with seeing if there's something better for you. You deserve to feel healthy and strong without having to battle GI distress/low energy/feeling deprived!

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