4th of july is a celebration of independence, freedom from a governing body. i feel fortunate to live in a country where it has been declared that i, as a citizen, have the freedom to do many things. freedom to say what i want. freedom to pursue what makes me happy. freedom to own my own destiny.
but there is one freedom that is heavily on my mind this 4th of july and that is freedom from self.
my experience with anxiety and depression is that it feels like being trapped. and it is self sustaining. to cope, i try to control whatever i can to eliminate the threat of anything that could cause anxiety. as a result, i live in a vice. and the pressure of that vice gets tighter and tighter until sometimes i just want to explode but don't know what to say or what to do. and there are moments of relief through tears or perhaps a fleeting moment of absolute happiness. but mostly i have felt stuck in my controlled little box, looking outside from my little space within.
while i have grown and healed a lot over the past year or so there are still moments where the anxiety is so intense that any of the walls i have managed to break down start to build themselves up again. the good news is that i can recognize it almost immediately, along with the triggers, and i can start to pull myself free from the vice grip. but i know i still have a ways to go before i will finally feel free of what weighs me down.
there are a few great quotes i found on pinterest that resonate with me. i believe strongly in them and i find they really provide motivation for me to know that everything will be okay and i can get through this:
this post isn't meant to be depressing. because i'm still celebrating today. i'm celebrating how far i've come. i'm celebrating that i can acknowledge what i want most and what i want most is to be free from what keeps me captive. and knowing what keeps me captive gives me so much power to overcome and find my freedom on the other side.
|me and moose, running free along lake michigan|
i will get there and i wish that you find whatever it is you need freedom from, too.
happy 4th of july -