i've been pretty uninspired to post, blog, write, reflect, whatever you want to call it. in an effort to get back into the swing of things, i'm going to link up with the weekly workout roundup and share a little bit about the past week.
monday: unintended rest day
tuesday: 6:30am run - 3 miles, goal pace between 7:45 and 8:15. my pace was 8:29 and the entire workout was a mental and physical struggle. serious sabotage (more on that after the weekly breakdown). 7:00pm - did an hour of strength training, went well.
wednesday: 7:00am - 4 miles, goal pace between 8:00 and 8:30. my pace was 8:21 and i felt much better mentally and physically this time.
thursday: not knowing what to do with myself, i did some random circuits at the gym. 21 minutes on the octane elliptical with hill intervals. did 16 minutes on the treadmill, 4mph pace up to 12.5% incline.
friday: 6am strength training
saturday: 8:00am advanced step class. never doing this again. my knees were so sore afterwards. had to ice them for the rest of the evening (see picture below)
sunday: 7 mile long run, goal pace between 8:30 and 9:00. my pace was 8:31. this was a great run, it basically made up for the crappy week and a half rut i've been in. finishing 7 miles in under 60 minutes was a great accomplishment.
|icing my knees & watching march madness|
the word of the week for me was "sabotage" (and i'm not talking about the beastie boys song). sabotage is something i hadn't thought much of until many virtual therapy sessions with my friend susan this week. susan introduced the concept of self-sabotage to me, and it seemed to jive with my behavior over the past week. i have been in a critical mental and physical rut. i have been eating like a giant purple people eater with a bottomless stomach. i haven't counted calories as a result, and because of that i spiraled down the rabbit hole of negativity and self-hate. it wasn't just the amount of food i was eating, it was also the type of food. i started consuming things that i haven't eaten in weeks or months; foods that are high fodmap or have gluten in them. and no matter what i did, not matter how physically sick i felt afterwards, i just couldn't stop.
what the hell was wrong with me?
when a pair of pants felt tight, it was the last straw and i started to breakdown. but i did something i hadn't done in the past, and i decided to talk to someone about it. susan talked me off the ledge, so to speak. she reminded me that weight gain and pant sizes weren't a good idicator of the most important things that matter - that i was in the best shape and health i'd ever been in. and then susan started talking about self-sabotage, and she explained through examples and questions what that meant. i started to realize that i had been sabotaging myself for the past week. when i started to slide just a little bit - a few extra nibbles of something here and there - i immediately felt the fear of failing. the fear of gaining weight and the even bigger fear of not being in control of that. and so, somewhere in my brain, a decision was made that if i was going to fail, if i was going to gain weight, i was going to make sure that i was aware of it and that i knew it was coming and that i, more or less, was in control of the weight gain. so i let myself eat more.
i'm not 100% sure why i decided the past week would be sabotage week. extra stress? anxiety? is it the 5k training? i don't know. but i'm hoping i'll figure it out. i can't go through any more days like the ones i've been having. i feel sluggish. i am tired. and i just feel like crap physically and mentally. it's not fun and i want to be done with it.
so i'm trying to get back in control. and when i say control, i mean not letting the numbers on the scale or the size of my pants control my emotions and how i react to those numbers. i'm going to weigh myself in the morning (something i've been terrified to do) and i'm not going to let it change my plan for the week or change my thoughts toward myself.
it is time to hit the rest button and move forward.